For most of my adult life, I had an unspoken rule. Don’t ask for help unless you absolutely have to. And even then, ask for as little as possible and find a way to make it up fast.
I thought of it as being considerate. Being self-sufficient. The kind of adult who handles his own stuff.
Then I joined a group called MMT, run by my friend Jayson Gaignard. The whole thing is built around generosity. The first time I watched someone ask for something real, the room lit up. People were already opening laptops, texting contacts, jumping in before the person was done talking.
It took me a while to admit what I was seeing. By holding back my own asks all those years, I hadn’t been considerate. I’d been robbing people of something they actually wanted to do. Jayson writes about this in his upcoming book, Community Made. A full third of it is about asking for help, not as a tactic, but as the thing that makes a community real.
I’d had it backwards my whole life.
A pattern worth noticing
A new report from the American Enterprise Institute found that the share of Americans who talk to their neighbors a few times a week has dropped from 59% in 2012 to 40% in 2025. Among young adults, it’s collapsed from 51% to just one in four.
That’s the symptom. The more interesting finding is buried a few sections in.
When asked what it means to be a good neighbor, 65% of Americans said it means “not getting too involved in your neighbors’ personal affairs.” We didn’t just stop talking to our neighbors. We changed the definition of what a good neighbor is. Privacy became the virtue. Distance became politeness. Staying out of the way became a form of respect.
And this isn’t just a story about neighbors. The same logic hollowing out the American block is hollowing out adult friendship. We treat asks like small thefts. We default to “I don’t want to be a bother” and call it consideration when it’s something closer to fear. So we stay out of each other’s business. We text “let me know if you ever need anything” and mean it sincerely, while also somehow making sure no one ever does.
A way forward
I don’t think the answer is to suddenly start banging on doors and asking your neighbors for sugar like it’s 1955. That ship has sailed, and honestly, I’m not sure I’d want it back the way it was.
But I think there’s something worth questioning in the belief itself. The idea that the best version of an adult is one who needs nothing. That maturity means self-sufficiency. That a well-run life is one where you’ve engineered your way out of asking.
What I learned in MMT, and what I’m still learning, is that the people around you often want to help more than you’ve been giving them credit for. When you don’t ask, you don’t just protect yourself from imposition. You take away their chance to show up. You decide on their behalf that the favor would be a burden, when for a lot of people, the favor is the gift they were hoping to give.
You can’t have connection without imposition. Those are the same thing, looked at from different angles. The favor you ask is the thread. The favor you do is the thread. Pull all the threads out in the name of not being a bother, and you’ve got a very tidy, very lonely life.
Something to ask yourself
Who in your life has been waiting to help you, and just hasn’t been given the chance?
Not someone you’re going to use. Someone who would feel closer to you, more useful, more glad to be in your life, if you let them in on something you’re working through.
That person exists. For most of us, more than one.
Try this week
Ask someone for help.
A favor you’ve been handling on your own. A connection you’ve been hesitant to request. An opinion from someone whose perspective you actually value. A small, low-stakes ask that lets the other person feel useful and lets you practice acting like you’re allowed to need people.
Because somewhere along the way, many of us forgot.
