I used to assume my friends knew how I felt about them.
We’d been through things together. We showed up for each other. We had history. Surely they understood what they meant to me, even if I never actually said it.
Then I started wondering how they felt about me.
Not in a needy way. Just the normal uncertainty that creeps in when life gets busy and the gaps between conversations stretch longer. Were we still close? Did I still matter to them? Had I slipped down their priority list without realizing it?
If I was questioning whether they valued me, they were probably questioning the same thing about me. We were both sitting in uncertainty, both making assumptions, both filling the silence with doubt.
A pattern worth noticing
We mistake consistency for communication. We think showing up is the same as saying it matters.
It’s not.
You can be a loyal friend, a present friend, a friend who never misses a birthday or flakes on plans, and still leave people wondering where they stand with you. Because without the actual words, people write their own story. And in the absence of explicit appreciation, the story usually isn’t “they must really value me.”
It’s “maybe I’ve been deprioritized.”
You’re both grateful. You both care. But neither of you says it, so you both end up questioning whether the other one feels the same way you do.
Questions
Which friend are you most grateful for right now?
When’s the last time you told them that?
If you’re questioning whether someone values you, have you considered they might be wondering the same thing about you?
Engineer a collision this week
Pick one friend. Tell them something specific you appreciate about them. Not “thanks for being a great friend.” Something real. Something they did, something they are, something about them that makes your life better.
I started doing this and it changed things. Not just for them. For me too. And I’ve watched it give other people permission to do the same.
Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it. - William Arthur Ward
